No offense… but I’m about to say something really offensive

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Do you get nervous when someone starts their sentence with ‘no offense?’ I do. It’s like the perfect guilt-free segue into something truly offensive.

It was rife when I was a teenager, and I cringe to hear that it’s still around.

No offense, but that jumper looks way better on her.

No offense, but your life is pretty boring

No offense, but it’s not like you’re that smart

Woah, you probably shouldn’t be eating that… but, like, no offense

No offense, but I don’t think he’d go for you. Sorry, just saying…

Well maybe just don’t say. Because your ‘sorry not sorry’ isn’t working for me. Or for anyone for that matter.

So, before you throw out a casual ‘no offense,’ think about what you’re actually saying: “I want to say whatever horrible thing comes into my mind, but before I feel bad about it, I’ll qualify it and erase my guilt. Cos, I mean, it’s not my fault if you got offended when I told you not to!”

 Honey, we all want you to know something: You’re offensive. And your attempts at masking it aren’t working.

5 Things You Should Never Do At A Wedding

952993_71476958I’ve attended a lot of weddings. And you know those things that are supposed to be common sense, but aren’t? Well let’s just say, I’ve observed a lot of them.

1. Don’t be late. Punctuality is polite anywhere, but at a wedding it’s essential. If the invitation says the wedding starts at 1pm, that means you must be seated and ready for the bride to arrive at 1pm. If you are late, and the bride is already there, don’t stop to say hello. Hurry into the venue and hope she didn’t see you!

2. Do not take photos of the bride before the groom has seen her. If you are just a guest at the wedding, don’t sneak out the back to get a quick picture of the bride before she enters. There’s a photographer for that, and you sneaking a peek before she arrives at the top of the aisle is beyond rude.

3. Don’t sit at the front if you’re not family or very close. There is a seating hierarchy at weddings. Close people at the front, acquaintances at the back. If in doubt, sit further back.

4. Don’t wear a white dress. It’s the bride’s day for white, and this is a day when rocking up in the same outfit, or even colour, is not ok.

5. If you’re invited to the reception, do not come without a present. They are likely paying upwards of $80 to have you there. Not bringing a gift is very disrespectful.